Days 1-5 of London Quarantine

Day 1

I was hoping to wake up late, but alas, I didn’t. I woke up at 8 and manage to try to watch TV in bed for a solid hour, but one can take only so much of BBC, BBC International News, BBC2, BBC4 and euronews before switching to Keeping up with the Kardashians, circa 2004, for nothing better on TV. It so happens that I am an elite member of the Marriott, and so I get access to the Members’ Lounge. Because of COVID restrictions, however, the lounge was closed and instead, they would deliver breakfast to the room, in plastic boxes, and an inviting brown paper bag with elegant wooden utensils. So, I ordered breakfast, fixed my bed and decided that I don’t want to stay anymore in the ghostly hotel, but rather change to another one in the chain that has more people and possibly open lounge.

9:30 breakfast arrived, and I ate really slowly to stretch time, while watching some more Shtisel.

10:30 – I decided that I need to lose weight while in captivity. Since I detest working out, I decided to walk 10,000 steps. For lack of better space, I began walking the long, carpeted corridors of the hotel, while watching Shtisel on my phone.

11:30 – I managed to get 8,000 steps or so. Brushed my teeth, took a shower. Explored Deliveroo for lunch options.

1:00 – Lunch arrived, this time delivery without a hitch. Ate lunch, made 3^rd cup of tea.

2:00 – received an email that my COVID tests have been delivered to the hotel. Went to reception where Icy Lady told me she has not received anything. Showed her picture of delivered tests on my phone, and apparently they were delivered somewhere else. Because, why should anything work?

3:00 – rearranged all files in my computer, and deleted old school stuff

4:00 – decided to walk some more

5:00 – spoke to the Diplomat, then to Mom, then to Son

6:30 – emailed and texted everyone I could think of who lives in London

7:30 – ate dinner and watched Shtisel. Then watched one more episode because I could.

10:00 pm – called for ice. This time, Icy Lady arrived with a small bucket of ice. Not to offend her, took all of it. After I made myself a scotch, spent the rest of night practicing tossing the ice in the sink in the bathroom from various distances.

Day 2

9:00 – underwhelming breakfast again

10:00 – spent an hour deciphering how to take the PCR test on my own. After reading the instructions 7 times, I promptly packaged the swab wrongly twice, and then just gave up and mailed it. I used the excuse of the mail run to take a walk and buy food and wine from a neighboring store. Then I came back, super delighted with myself, and ate lunch. 2:00 pm - decided to go to the gym for my daily steps. I figured that I was inside the hotel, so it was OK not to stare at the walls of the room for a change. Once done, I went and took a shower, and just as I was coming out of it in my robe, I got a stern knock on the door.

It was the police!!!!!!!! Checking on me whether I am quarantining in my room! Which I was. In that precise moment. So they do check….Which also came as a surprise to the NHS person who called me that afternoon to check on me and prattle on the same useless narrative they do every day.

All that excitement killed a couple of hours and positioned me well for an exciting dinner with a (cheap) glass of wine and M&S (cheap) dinner. For I have to tell you folks – London is one expensive city. Or maybe I have lived in Kyiv too long.

Day 3 – more of the same, rinse and repeat with one new exciting events. The Diplomat sent me “surprise” flowers because it was Mother’s Day. It was not a surprise for 3 reasons:

1. He told me about it in advance
2. I saw the charge on the credit card
3. It didn’t arrive when he said it should have arrived, so I had to go back to Reception (Icy Lady was gone and I was met instead by Hot Dutch Guy, who was a lot easier on the eyes, to be honest). It took, as usual, 30 mins to track the delivery down. I think that hotel really needs to reevaluate its official address.

Day 4 – I moved to a new hotel in hopes of finding traces of life, the JW Marriot in Mayfair, across from Hyde Park – an address as swanky as it gets in this gorgeous city. Beyond the excitement of the move, the other exciting event of the day was that I decided to try new makeup techniques. For a good part of the afternoon, I smeared and painted, and tried every single brush in my makeup kit, for some truly frightening looks.

And then I walked 10,000 steps in the hotel corridors wearing that makeup, to see what people thought of that. Judging by the expression of the Middle Eastern man who passed me by several times, I must have looked exquisite in heavy makeup and sweatpants.

Then, as I was reading later at night (after having MAYBE 2 glasses of wine), I noticed a small orb of light dancing around the darkness of the room. Blame it on the ghosthunters show I had just watched, but I KNEW it was a ghost. After watching it move around the room for while, and scaring the scrap out of me, I realized it was just a reflection of my watch on the night lamp.

Day 5 – Lather, rinse repeat. Also, I worked remotely and then realized that I was allowed to dine in the restaurants of the hotel, only outside. It was 10 degrees, but I did not care, I got to eat in a restaurant!!! I also got my negative PCR test result. Shocking, given that I am fully vaccinated, and I had already tested negative right before leaving for London!