Thursday, June 9, 2016

Rio Shakes it Up and Son Grows Up

This has been a rather intense past 2 months, where our usual relaxed, beachy Rio lifestyle was pleasantly shaken up by a series of parties, receptions, dinners, weekends away and friends visiting. I have also been on an inexplicable kick to cook Asian food, which has understandably deeply excited the Diplomat. I also managed to fly back to the Motherland for a weekend to furnish our newly-acquired house and rent it out. In the midst of all that, the Diplomat played more golf than a retired military colonel and Son began to ask all sorts of grown-up questions about babies and their origin.

I do not even remember when it all started. In the beginning of April, deciding to delight the Diplomat with a befitting present for his birthday, I took him out of town to a bed and breakfast in the former mountain retreat for the long-extinct Brazilian royal family nearby Rio, in pretty Petropolis. Now, you should know that Petropolis boasts a gorgeous golf course and for weeks on end before that I had to endure hints, random mentions, loud thinking and not so-subtle suggestions that a weekend in the immediate vicinity of that golf course would be a rather acceptable gift for the Diplomat’s birthday. I rallied a bunch of our good friends and we spent a beautiful weekend there, during which the Diplomat and his golf buddy J spent 75% of their time at said golf course. To be fair, the 75% included them being badly lost on the way to and back from the golf course until it became clear that there were not one, but TWO courses around. Such are the perils of that game.

The weekend was followed by a series of parties and late nights out dancing in downtown Rio as some of our closest friends and colleagues here were getting ready to leave Rio while others came to visit us. We also attended a swanky party honoring a famous journalist in a gorgeous mansion belonging to one of the oldest families in Brazil, where the champagne was pouring freely while all kinds of intellectuals were deciding the fate of the country in theory.

I do not know if you have heard, but Rio is about to host the summer Olympics and much of our professional lives have been deeply steeped into preparations for the hordes of Americans coming to Rio to support the teams and to get in trouble in general. To that effect, we have been attending receptions and events with various representatives of the local security authorities and Olympics-related folks (it’s staggering how many people are involved in planning these Games), making sure we are all set for the eager Olympics tourists. We talk with diplomats from the other foreign missions to compare plans and exchange brilliant ideas. We take Brazilian officials to the U.S. to have them observe how we prepare for big sporting events like the Boston Marathon or even Superbowl. We plan for emergencies, prepare contingency plans, write secondary contingency plans and overthink outreach to our fellow compatriots. We listen to grim predictions about the state of the infrastructure and impending Zika apocalypse on CNN. And so I think you will understand me when I tell you that, as far as I am concerned, these Games cannot come any faster. Or could move to Newfoundland for all I care.

While the Diplomat and I have been thusly busy, suddenly, Son began to ask many a profound questions on the subject of girls and babies. I would like to remind the kind reading audience that the child is at the ginger and impressionable age of 7.5 years. He is a lanky, tireless kid obsessed with all gross things little boys are obsessed with. He laughs to tears when he farts in front of my disapproving gaze and can make paper planes till he is lost under the pile. In other words – Son is a little kid. I think. That is why I get startled when in the middle of a sunny Sunday afternoon, I am suddenly being asked pointed questions about how to make girls like you. Wait, what?? Didn’t you just spend an entire afternoon trying to eat ants? What girls?

We have also ventured into the land of babymaking. While we still have not had the conversation with the technical details, at this point Son is fairly clear that both mommy and daddy are somehow part of the exercise. Rest assured, it was all presented very nice and romantic to him, with long discussions about love and inner beauty. Which is why I was a tad taken aback when last week Son came to me pensively, looked me dead in the eye, and asked me, “So, how do you NOT make a baby when you love someone?”

Last weekend I finally managed to motivate myself and the family to go climb the iconic Two Brothers (Dois Irmãos) mountain adjacent to where we live. Dois Irmãos are those two peaks that you typically see behind the beach with a serious sunset lighting every time someone talks about Rio on TV. Told that the peaks are not really challenging to climb (in fact, an elderly couple’s blog said that they had done the hike many times in flip-flops under an hour!), I rushed the excited Son and underwhelmed Diplomat out of the house on a pleasantly overcast Saturday morning. After a 7 min taxi ride we got dropped off into the lower parts of Rio’s safest favela Vidigal, from where we had to take some form of transport up the steep streets of the favela to the beginning of the hiking trail. One could choose a motorbike taxi or to ride in an old, rickety minivan. In a fit of misguided adventurism, I decided to get on a bike and wait for Son and Diplomat who took the van. I have never been on a motorbike before in my life. Ever. So perhaps my first ride should not have been through the narrow, broken, crawling with cars and people, steep and winding streets of a favela. One way or the other, we made it up and in a few moments, Son and the Diplomat showed up as well and off we went on our hike. I think you have gathered by now, if you are a regular reader, that we are not hikers. This was only our second ever hike in our lives after Patagonia and I have to tell you – it was challenging. At one point, as we were crawling precariously up a large rock, I wanted to meet that old lady who seems to climb it for breakfast in her peignoir and fluffy house mules while drinking coffee from a porcelain cup and give her a piece of my own mind. We made it in about an hour after all, and the views from above were fabulous. What was even more striking was the amount of Brazilians taking selfies in various state of undress, perched perilously on the slippery rocks. That is a lot of dedication for a duck-face, hair-side-swipe picture.


We are preparing to send Son over to Grandma’s in Bulgaria for the summer, from where he will go directly to the U.S. as our tour here comes to an end, and so the sad week of goodbyes for him has begun. Previously blissfully blasé about losing friends and nannies, these days Son moves around mournfully and requests sleepovers and ice-cream on a daily basis. To make him happy, I constructed a tent in his (tiny) room of a rope and a blanket, where he moved in immediately and brought with himself most of his prized possessions and some crumbly food. He refused to take the tent down for 4 days, which made moving about or cleaning the room absolutely impossible until my housekeeper tersely asked me today when we are going to get rid of the “favelinha” or the “little favela” – a perfect imagery since the make-shift tent had completely lost shape, the floors were covered I cookie crumbs and there were clothes and books strewn all over the floor. Like a grim military policeman, she swiftly took the favelinha down. I will miss her!

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The House Is In Saturn!!

The last month and a half have been a little underwhelming health wise in our house. If you would kindly remember, at the beginning of February, right after we returned from Patagonia, the Diplomat took off for India to see the In Laws and attend a resplendent cousin wedding leaving Son and me behind to fend for ourselves in the Marvelous City. He left on a warm Monday evening and on an even warmer Tuesday, I was informed that I needed to go into an emergency surgery, which would keep me in the hospital for 2 nights. It could not be delayed for even an hour. Highly distressed, I began to frantically try to call the Diplomat who was living up at Heathrow airport to give him the news. Wi-fi at Heathrow turned out to be highly underwhelming. After an hour or so of unsuccessfully trying to connect with him via Whatsapp, I was already picturing myself dying sadly on the operating table under general anesthesia without saying a few last poignant words to him, voicing my eternal love and barking important instructions for Son’s future upbringing. Finally, the call went through and I managed to relay the distressing news. When he offered to turn around and catch the next plane back to Rio, I valiantly refused and wished him a good trip. I don’t know what possessed me, I am never that gracious. After that, I tearfully asked my housekeeper to stay the night with Son, refused my close friend C’s offer to come with me to the hospital and off I went under the knife. I felt so sad for myself, I cried a bit on the operating table before the drugs hit, which visibly freaked out the (very handsome) anesthesiologist.

I emerged two hours later, disoriented as hell and freezing, with an army of nurses and doctors all over me. (A quick sidebar to give props to the most amazing Samaritano hospital in Rio, which easily rivals any fancy American one.)  As it was a stomach-related surgery, I could not really get up and could not even move much in the bed. That made for a very long and sleepless night. My only solace was the rather unexpected bonus given to me by my doctor - a DVD with the surgery (?!) - which I actually watched and found absolutely fascinating. Yup, my insides are riveting! Oddly, so far only Son has agreed to watch the DVD and I can tell you, he found it amazing.

The next morning, I finally got a call from the Diplomat who had just landed in Chennai and was in the car with his parents. After establishing quickly that I was still alive and very, very hungry, he proceeded to tell me that on the flight from London to Mumbai he had managed to faint 3 times for no apparent reason. Thus, upon his arrival, he was met by the airport medical team who whisked him away to the med unit and gave him a bunch of IV, in the process of which he almost missed the Chennai connection. He was apparently still feeling horrible but I do give him props for commiserating with me.

After one more night in the hospital, I finally went home to my poor child. Still walking with great difficulty, in the next few days I was wonderfully cared for by my housekeeper and an army of fabulous friends who visited me, cooked for me, cared for my child and generally made sure I did not lose my mind in the absence of the Diplomat. A couple of days later, I also developed a fantastic and incredibly itchy rash, most likely as a result of the painkiller I was taking. That is also when Son decided to get a severe strep infection and have a fever of 103F in a matter of an hour, on a Saturday night. Did I mention it was also Carnaval and so my housekeeper was off for 5 days?? Thus, off painkillers and still moving gingerly about the house, I began taking care of the poor sick child while intermittently talking on the phone with the still visibly ill Diplomat in India. After a day of iboprufen and acetaminophen, the fever would not budge below 101 and so I had to take Son to the emergency room on a blazing hot Sunday, through the drunken throngs of festive Carnaval youth. A little later, armed with a prescription for antibiotics, we made it back home, Son feeling worse and worse and perilously hot. I spent another sleepless night, feeding him drugs and trying alternative grandma remedies like vinegar-soaked towel on his forehead (which made the bedroom smell like salad) and rubbing him with cachaca (which made the bedroom small like a cheap bar). In the meantime, the Diplomat kept telling me stories of feeling weak and ill all the time and sleeping constantly.

Around that time I also noticed that Fat Cat was sporting an oozing right eye, which strongly suggested he had conjunctivitis. If you have been reading this blog for some time, you would be aware that Fat Cat is not the type of cat that will allow a loving owner to carefully examine the eye from up close and try to clean it. Rather, in response to your loving care, he will scratch your own eyeballs and hide in the guest bathroom hissing at you for the next two hours. So, I decided that I cannot deal with him at that point in time.

Some time that week, the Diplomat had mentioned to me that his mother had called an astrologer to the house (for the life of me, I do not remember why). Among other highly insightful things, the sage professional had mentioned that our (that is mine and the Diplomat’s) house is “in Saturn,” which apparently meant that we would all get very sick. Which, in all honesty, we already were, so I was impressed by her immense skills. (Ominously, she did not mention when exactly we would be exiting said Saturn.) And sure enough, the next day I saw that the fish, which a friend had given recently to Son and whom he had promptly forgotten and thus (shockingly) I had to care for, began behaving rather odd, twirling all around its little aquarium. In between giving antibiotics to Son, scratching my terrible rash, changing my surgery dressings, listening to the Diplomat’s meek reports of ill health from India, trying to catch the hissing cat to least clean his eye, I began also researching what would cause a beta fish to twirl. After hours on the internet, I concluded that he had a blocked gland and was simply unable to poop. I set out on a treatment course of 3 days of fasting, followed by me defrosting a pea, splitting in quarters and trying to feed him with it. He was having none of it; instead, he began swimming in tight circles, chasing his tail like a frenetic poodle and my housekeeper eventually figured out that, to my horror, he was actually eating his tail.

Luckily by then Son had already recovered and went back to school. I was able to walk more freely and even took a couple of walks out of the house. A week later, the Diplomat returned and mournfully informed me that he had zero energy to do just about anything, including playing tennis and golf. Now, that was serious. A trip to the doctor showed that he had an unusually low blood sugar and a barrage of tests later, he was pronounced pre-diabetic. He was told to stay away from white rice and beer and to generally eat healthier. None of that made for an improved mood but after following that advice for the next several days, he began to feel better and I am happy to say that the local golf course has recovered from its temporary financial crisis in his absence. After enduring the sight of the ever disappearing fish tail, I finally got up one morning and sent the fish in the better swimming fields of the Rio de Janeiro sewer system.

We also finally pinned down Fat Cat and took him to the vet, where he was given eye drops and a crème but zero instructions on how those were to land in the hissing animal’s eye. After we took him home, the Diplomat armed himself with silicone cooking gloves and a towel and proceeded to chase Fat Cat around the house. The idea was for him to grab the wriggling meowing devil while I open his eye and shove medicine in it. Yeah, right. By the sounds he was making you’d think we were trying to cut off his legs. We finally managed to corner him in our bedroom and pounced on him with all our might. After a five-minute breathless fight with the satanic cat, I think I managed to pour some eye drops up his nose. Good enough. Sufficiently scared the next evening, we decided to give it a rest for a day. After a little prayer, we resumed the torture the following days and I am happy to report that now we manhandle him expertly with very little pushback and protests and his eye is back to normal. You’d think that we were finally out of Saturn except that for the past one month I have been sporting a fierce sinus infection, which despite antibiotics and an army of nose sprays is still raging on unabated, making me sound like an asthmatic wolf most of the time. Come on, Saturn!


Monday, February 1, 2016

Fireworks over Copacabana, Penguins in Ushuaia and a Wedding in India

The New Year began rather auspiciously and appropriately on the Copacabana beach with a bunch of good friends. In Rio, folks dress in white and go to the beach to see the spectacular fireworks, meet the new year and generally be very, very merry. The beachside boulevard, which runs along the entire beach through dontown, Copacabana, Ipanema and Leblon is closed, which cases fantastic traffic jams in the rest of the city and 10-times surge pricing on the 6 or so Uber cabs cruising the streets. So, the Diplomat and I donned some crispy white linen, left Son with an overpaid babysitter, and prepared to join in the merriment with our friends at a party in Copacabana. After 10 futile mins, we realized that at 10 pm on New Year’s Eve getting a cab was simply not an option. This is, however, how Rio de Janeiro is awesome – the whole bus system network was working all night long. So, we hopped on a bus stuffed with hordes of alcohol-soaked people and a mere 15 minutes later got spit out, wrinkled and sweaty, into the balmy night and into the throngs of white (ish) clad Cariocas. We joined the party at our friends’ place, drank kilos of champagne and at 11.30 headed out to the beach in one jolly heap to join the one million or so folks ready to greet the new year.

The thing to do after midnight is to go to the ocean, throw a flower in it and jump 7 times over the waves, each time wishing a thing. By doing so, you are paying your respects also to Iemanja, one of the old Brazilian deities from the Afro-Brazilian religion of candomble. And so, we made our way valiantly down to the water, an exercise, which took over 8 minutes as the Copacabana beach is frankly humongous and got there just in time for the countdown and the fireworks. Our smart friends M+K had just arrived from the U.S. that morning and had cleverly purchased a bottle of champagne from duty free, which was then duly opened and consumed with much new year’s gusto by all of us. Then we all ran into the water and started jumping like confused rabbits over the waves. That exercise soon eroded into blatant jumping into the water and stripping down to skivvies by all kinds of hysterical tourists, followed by mad splashing, screaming and all around excellent time-having.

Soaked and excited, we went back to dry up, liquor up some more and then begin the journey back home. This time, there was no bus either so we had to slowly walk the 6 kms or so along the beach to get home. All said and done, a fabulous experience, which I plan to never repeat again unless I have a chauffer-driven car.

Having greeted the new year in such blissful style, the Diplomat and I decided that it was time to explore the end of the world, just in case, you know. So, a couple of weeks later, we packed in our skiing jackets, mittens and thermal underwear (ok, no thermal underwear since we got none, but a whole suitcase of sweaters) and flew down to Ushuaia, Tierra del Fuego to gawk at penguins and check out harsh wilderness. I have been dreaming about going to Ushuaia ever since I was a little girl in Bulgaria and watched religiously some awful Fearfactor-style reality show predecessor on TV, which took place there. I was so excited on the way down that I actually squealed a few times on the plane to the underslept Diplomat’s horror. Son, as usual, slept through every single flight – the child has been quite well inculcated by his obsessively traveling parents.

Ushuaia is quite the modern, functioning little town. It is indeed considered the southernmost town in the world (although the Chileans beg to differ) and the weather is certainly indicative of that – we went in the height of summer and it was a cool 3 degrees Celsius on a sunny day. It looks and feels like a hippie ski town. There are a few good restaurants serving lamb BBQ (cordeiro asado) and king crab (OMG!!). It is windy and cold, courtesy of the Beagle channel on which it is located. The Channel connects the western and eastern parts of South America and thus part of it lies in Chile and part – in Argentina. The highlight of the trip was a much coveted walk among the penguins of Ushuaia.

Now, if you come to Patagonia to see penguins, there are generally three places you can do that – Puerto Madryn, Ushuaia and the Falkland Islands. To visit the Islands costs my annual salary so no matter how badly I wanted to see the controversial speck of land, I had to decide against it. In Ushuaia, while there are many tour companies that can take you to the island in the middle of the Beagle Channel where the cute critters live, only one company is allowed to actually plop you on the island itself so that you can walk among the curious penguins for a freezing hour. The company is called Pira Tour and they are a nightmare to get in touch with via email, mainly because the internet at the end of the world is not what it happens to be, say, in the middle of Manhattan. Frankly, it is astonishing to me that there is indeed internet there. 

Walking with penguins is magical – there is something so humbling about having the clumsy adorable creatures accept you among themselves, coming right next to you because they are curious like small children and even trying to peck your shoes. When we went there, it was the end of the baby season so all babies were already rather porky but till covered with a ton of fluff, which the adults were dutifully plucking off them. It was an hour I will never forget. I admit to plotting to steal a baby penguin but the lead lady was onto me so I came home empty-handed. In Ushuaia, we also spent a day in a 4x4 vehicle off-roading the muddy end-of-the-world roads and then being treated to a most lavish and tasty asado in the middle of nothing. The Diplomat, true to form, insisted on playing golf on the rather picturesque Ushuaia Golf Club where he tough it out for 5 holes before his ears fell off from the sub-zero temperatures and he gave in.

From Ushuaia, we flew to El Calafate to see the famous Perito Moreno glacier. I had my eyes on a tour offering a 45 min trek on the glacier topped off with a glass of scotch in the end. Sadly, kids under 10 are not allowed and despite the Diplomat’s gracious offer to let me go by myself while he stays with Son, I decided to stick with the group.
The glacier is indeed spectacular, like nothing you have ever seen really. All around it there are massive metal staircases so that you can prance up and down to see as much as possible of it. The best part is when a chunk of ice dislodges and falls in the water with massive thunder. We did board a catamaran boat, which took us as near the glacier as possible and we spent about an hour floating about 50 meters from the wall of ice, staring at it. For one hour. After the first 8 minutes, you have pretty much seen all there is of it. Then the boat floats up and down again and you take some more pictures, and then some more. And then you start taking some goofy pictures and your child begins to climb up and down the boat and lean all over the rails to your utter horror. And then the boat floats again up and down the glacier to make sure you have REAAAAAAALLY seen it all. You have. You already saw it 50 mins ago. Oh, we are going back. Yey!!! Massage time! That said, it was worth it.

It was in Calafate where I also had the genius idea that we had to go for a hike. See, I had read that one goes to Patagonia n order to hike (as opposed to eating lamb and drinking Malbec, which came as an unpleasant surprise to me) and so I was determined to do what one needs to do. Hiking happens about 3 hours away, in a place called El Chalten, a tiny town seemingly built solely to cater to hiking maniacs. From El Chalten begin many trails into the Los Glacieres National Park, which offer gorgeous view of the park, its lakes and glaciers. I chose what was supposed to be an easy hike of 4 kms up and 4 kms down. It was said that it should take about 2 hours in each direction. Sure. About 20 mins into the hike, I thought my life was over. Son agreed. The Diplomat just kept sighing pensively. We ploughed on. I will never forget that day till I am alive. The heat, the fatigue, the old people who kept passing us by gamboling up the path like frightened goats, the way back when I did not remember getting back to the bus. In the end, according to my pedometer, we had walked 16 kms (10 mi).

The last evening in El Calafate we went to a dinner and a show in an estancia (think an animal farm), where we watched a sheep being sheared with massive shears by a fierce looking gaucho, drank some shagadelic mate, ate kilos of lamb asado and watched a folkore show of dubious cultural value but Buenos Aires, where to my shock I sat next to a Bulgarian lady. We were probably the only two Bulgarians in El Calafate and happened to sit next to each. Seriously.
much enjoyment. With heavy hearts, we bid Patagonia goodbye and flew back to

The one thing that struck me in Patagonia was the demoraphics of the tourists. Sure, there were the occasional absurdly buff and severely sunburnt German 20-somethings who probably climb the glaciers with bare hands, the Brazilian families with selfie sticks and the American backpacking college girls who look like they haven’t taken a shower since Ohio. But the predominant group were hordes of pensioners, mostly from Argentina and Spain. Anywhere you turned, there were old people in large gaggles, dressed in orthopedic shoes and most fantastic polyesther pants with knitted vests, taking group pictures and munching packed sandwiches. In the end, I decided that there must be some sort of deals for pensioner clubs – not a bad way to spend your retirement, I must say.

We made is back safe and sound, and a day later, the Diplomat took off for India to see the In Laws and attend a fabulous family wedding. I remain back to hold down the fort. I expect grand presents.



Thursday, December 17, 2015

A Foiled Robbery, Promotions and Third Tour Bidding

And just when I thought I might actually manage to leave Rio without having been robbed (it has now been 1.5 yrs here without an incident), it finally happened. You know, people warn you about it, it happens to all of your friends but just not to me. So I got careless. Blame it on Uber. Last week, while the Diplomat was in Sao Paulo for a week of work, I was standing outside the Consulate waiting irritably for my Uber taxi. Rather than the promised 7 minutes, the driver was taking over 25 to show up, lost in the tangle of streets behind. I was getting more and more impatient, standing stupidly clutching my android phone, tantalized by the movement of the taxi icon on the little screen. Suddenly, a passing dude saw a golden opportunity and decided to snatch it from my hand. That sad fella did not realize two unfortunate facts:
  •  He was trying to rob an Eastern European native
  • He was trying to rob her in front of the US Consulate, swarming with bored security guards

So this is how it all went down. The gangly, skinny teenager began pulling the phone with all of his might. So did I. You know, the Resident Security Officer always puts out these nice, wise notices saying that the safest things to do if you find yourself in a similar situation is to just let the demanded item go and not get yourself killed over it. Let me tell you something about people trying to take your stuff away. There is some primordial, animalistic instinct that hits you and you just don’t want to let your stuff go. It may be stupid stuff, but it YOUR stuff and why should anyone be taking it away. You don’t think about the RSO’s notice. You, frankly, don’t really think about anything much. You only think about your stuff. You want your stuff. It is YOUR stuff. You are willing to fight for your stuff. Or at least not let it go. So, that is exactly what I did. I just held back the phone and kept pulling it back. He kept pulling away. And at that moment (about 15 secs later), it dawned upon me that I am actually steps away from a bunch of hunky guards who somehow still had not seen the whole episode unfolding. So, I began screaming for help. Finally, I could see frantic movement but in the meantime, I lost control over the damned phone and the skinny kid managed to tear away from me and make a run for it. Happily (not for him), out of nowhere one of the local Consulate staff happened to be passing by and in a split second, jumped on top of the fleeing robber. The teenager had no chance. A second later, all guards fell upon him like a ton of bricks. Boy, did he regret ever meeting me that day let alone try to steal my phone. Soon, the police came and we all went to the police station for me to press charges. All in all, a very awesome night. Not really.

Many other exciting things have been happening to us lately. For example, both the Diplomat and I actually got promoted! That came somewhat unexpected and very, very much appreciated. So, now we are still on the bottom of the totem pole but feel more important about it. Also, we know where we are going next – Washington, DC, be scared, be very scared!

This assignment beckons a frank description of something called “third tour bidding.”  Now, when you enter the Foreign Service, you probably have visions of being given a choice of fascinating countries, from which you pick your childhood dream – Italy - and go serve there for 2 amazing years. You wish. Instead, you are given a list of about 200 posts around the world, which you then rank as high, medium and low, and give it over to your personal guru and master of your universe, also known as Career Development Officer, or CDO. There are usually several CDOs who then sit down for a few magical days and somehow assign people to those posts. You only sit and pray that you don’t get a post too low on your Low list. Usually, folks end up somewhere in their “mediums.” The same fun repeats itself for your second assignment again, except that if you have served in a particularly challenging place, you get to bid before the folks who served in, say, Thailand. So, in essence, for your first two tours, you have pretty much virtually no other control besides praying.
Now, arguably, you have a lot more control over your third tour. That is wonderful illusion, which your employer wishes you to have. Months before bidding season even opens, everyone due to bid enters into a frenzy and begins scouting potential available positions. There is this devious tool on our systems called “projected vacancies”  - it is a prediction of what positions are going to be available for bidding to help the hapless future bidders brace themselves for serving in the remote provinces of China or East Africa well in advance, and I can personally guarantee you that from the moment that list becomes available, everyone spends at least a third of their day pouring over it. Now, based on that preliminary list, we are all told to go and “lobby” for our next assignment – it is that nefarious process of timidly writing to your posts of choice, whether to the incumbent or their boss, “expressing your interest” while pointlessly trying not to sound too eager or desperate. 

Thus begins the terrifying and excruciatingly long dance of bidding. Posts write back to you to tell you that you appear very qualified but so do also the 59 other FSOs vying for the same job. You mobilize an army of former and current bosses, peers and various high level folks you know to “lobby” on your behalf. But it is all so very unofficial. Then, at some point, the real bid list comes out and you begin bidding with full ferocity. Lobbying intensifies, you interview with various people, you invent weaknesses that are not really weaknesses and which you have conquered and turned into strengths, you enumerate multiple personal achievements, which single-handedly have forwarded American interests abroad and changed the face of bilateral relations in your current post. You are, indeed, formidable. You should, in fact, be appointed as a Special Assistant to the Secretary immediately. Oddly, you are not. Slowly, offers begin to be hinted – since no offers can be made before the official deadline of bidding (for the summer bidders, bidding opens in August and ends in October), there are other cheeky tools to let people know who are the chosen ones. An official announcement that a job offer has been extended once bidding is over is called a “handshake.” Not an offer. A handshake. How very delightfully old-fashioned. Apart from a formal handshake, one can receive an unofficial “air kiss” in advance. Yup, it actually is called an air kiss. Bidding is fun.

So, since the management-coned Diplomat has not yet served in a management position (which is a problem going forward), he knew he had to get such position this time around, dead or alive. Preferably alive, it’s more fun that way. We began the bidding dance and were sniffing out a few desired posts overseas until a highly desirable domestic position opened up in the sexy European bureau, he interviewed for it and it was all his. A full one month before bidding was even over. Now you have to understand something about tandem bidding – it ain’t easy. In essence,  you need to dance a double bidding dance, 1. Ensuring that there are 2 positions suitable for each of you, and 2. The hiring folks for both positions like you and want to hire you over the other 45 qualified people for the job. It is actually even more complicated than that, but let’s say you get the general picture. So, when the Diplomat got an awesome offer in DC, he had to take it. Which meant I had to find a job in DC, something on which I hadn’t planned. Luckily, I ended up with an awesome gig as the speechwriter for Consular Affairs. Since I am not yet sure whether I should be ecstatic or extremely scared, I won’t say anything more about the job before I go into it next year.

We have been traveling as usual. In November, we finally made the pilgrimage to Disney – we own a vacation property there and after all of our guests said what a great time they have there, we decided to check it out ourselves. My God, Orlando is magical! I admit to preferring Universal to Disney and the Shamu, but still – they are all awesome. I have no reached the conclusion that I would like to live a resort life for the rest of my life. Apparently, though, no one pays you for that. Odd…

We also just came back from Uruguay, where we spent a week eating meat, drinking Tannat and playing golf. Yes, you heard me right – I have now begun gold lessons. You know, if you can’t beat them, join them. The problem was that I so badly wanted to impress the Diplomat just how well I am doing in golf, that once we got on the green, I managed to pull a back muscle while still on hole 3. For the rest of the trip, I could barely swing the club but kept on valiantly. As a net result, now I can’t even dress myself on my own. True story.

We are all eagerly looking forward to the holidays all to be spent peacefully in Rio. I cannot wait to finally see New Year’s Eve in Copacabana. Yey!!

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Toga, Lessons and Astonishing Dental Hygiene

Life is going on in sunny Rio de Janeiro. We have just endured a long and dark winter with average daily temperatures of 72 degrees and sun only five days of the week. Oh, yeah, and the ocean is pretty cold, too! OK, fine, in all honesty, this year the winter was a bit capricious, raining copiously for days on end, taking turns with 90 degree weather and back to freezing rain. The other night, we had the loudest and scariest thunderstorm I have ever seen in my life.

To save ourselves from the suffering, the Diplomat has been drowning his sorrow in various sports. Now, most of you already know that he is an avid tennis player. To that effect, he still takes a tennis lesson with a teacher once a week, because, well, one can never be good enough. Some of you would also kindly remember that the Diplomat has picked up the noble pastime of golf, for which he also takes lessons because perfection there still eludes him. And recently, he has also applied himself to swimming since, he says, “it is a life skill.” Believe it or not, when I met him, the Diplomat could not swim at all. With the help of his devoted swimming coach, I am proud to say that the man is now swimming. Not to be left behind, Son is also taking swimming lessons with the same teacher (arguably, with less remarkable results for now), a soccer class (coach just quit, apparently working with kids proved to be too much for him) and, lest he be any less well-rounded, an art class with a super artsy teacher, Rafael, who comes to our house once a week for a two-hour, free flowing creative session. To the horror of my housekeeper, Rafael wears crumpled artsy clothes and has long, messy hair, which, according to her, smells something awful (they apparently had to ride together in the elevator one day). Son, however, seems to think that the sun shines out of that horrendous hair so Rafael is staying. So, in this very learned family, I am in a distant third place with paltry weekly tennis lessons. Clearly, my tennis game leaves a lot to be desired.

Another way we have recently entertained ourselves is by hosting the annual birthday parties for Son and me – we both have birthdays in September. Last year, I decided to prove myself and hosted a riotous kids party in the apartment, which resulted in astonishing amount of high-pitched screaming and cupcake frosting in various tough to believe spots afterwards. This year, we tried to distract Son from the thought of having yet another party in the house by promising to take him to the Amazon, a trip we have been planning for years now. I spent a whole day convincing him of the value of travel over gifts and cupcakes and actually succeeded. Except that in the end, the Diplomat and I decided to go to Uruguay instead. Not missing a beat, the child immediately posed the problem of having a birthday party again. Faced with total destruction, I came up with what I thought was a lesser evil – a sleepover with his best 3 buddies. It was met with glorious delight. One of his friends could not make it, so it was down his two besties. And boy, party they did – I can safely say that the three kids more than made for the lack of a bigger party. Somewhat embarrassingly, Son fell asleep eventually at 9.30, while his friends kept the action going till 11 pm. Everyone was awake and agog bright and early at 6 am. What gives, children??? And there still were cupcakes everywhere. At least I was pronounced a cool mom by Son.

My birthday was celebrated somewhat differently, if not less childishly. I decided that I needed a twist to the usual, and announced a toga theme. I am happy to say that half of the guests valiantly did show up in toga after all. There is no sight like a bunch of international diplomats, all draped in white sheets, drinking the night away in the balmy warmth of a Rio de Janeiro night.


On a completely unrelated subject, I wanted to tell you about an aspect of Brazilian life that has always amazed me, namely – dental hygiene. Along with samba and string bikinis, Brazilians are also obsessed with their teeth and their cleanliness. They brush teeth seemingly after every single thing they eat. Son was asked to bring to school toothpaste and a brush to use them after snacks and lunch. I was impressed. But the day I saw two homeless people sitting on the ground, carefully flossing while asking for change, I was simply left speechless. While food might be an issue, old rotting teeth would never be! 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Travel, Fat Cat makes a Statement and Son falls into a pond

The last month and a half have been a complete blur to me. In fact, the past 10 months have been one endless work/party/travel/visitors/Carnaval blur to me. We have been lucky to have many of our friends and family visit us here already (in sharp contrast with NO ONE but the closest family coming to see us in Bangladesh). We also have been traveling as usual.

To make a quick summary of the latest, after the Diplomat came back from India, we took a 5-day trip to Salvador and the small coastal towns of the state of Bahia, before Son came back with Grandma. Salvador has been the capital of Brazil at some point, and later on remained as a major commercial hub since it has a port. Carnaval is a whole new beast up there; apparently, according to the Guiness book, it is the biggest party in the world annually. Salvador has gorgeous colonial architecture and good food. The last day in the area we decided to explore the famed deserted beaches north of the city. After we took a frivolous right turn off the main road to what appeared to be a beach within visible distance, we ended up driving for over 20 mins through a maze of sand dunes on a really crappy road to finally end up in a sleepy, disheveled village whose inhabitants enthusiastically confirmed that indeed, the beach is just over there. It was, and we found ourselves on an endless blue green ocean beach, with snow white sand, and no soul for miles. Except for the owner of the beach shack that just happened to be there, something out of a decadent bohemian movie, and he made us many caiprinhas, glorious giant fried fish and all the works that should go with that. Just as I was nodding off on the ancient lounge chair, put just for me right on the edge of the water, a very naked man came out of nowhere, strolling with not a care in the world along the beach. He nodded to me in all his naked glory and kept walking firmly forward. The shack owner explained that the place we so happily found was indeed a nudist beach.

When we flew back to Rio, tired and wishing only upon a comfy bed, we discovered with dismay that Fat Cat did not appreciate our prolonged absence and had taken not one, but two incredibly foul smelling poops in our bed. Mind you also, both were on MY side of the bed, one practically tucked under my pillow, sort of a delayed surprise of the first discovery of poop was not enough.  Since I had just spent 3 weeks alone with him at home while the Diplomat was gallivanting in India, I took this to be a meaningful statement for me to teach me a lesson what would happen if I ever leave again for a prolonged period of time. It was 5 days, people! And the neighbors took care of him every day. Damn cat! Those of you with pets surely know that it takes several scorching laundry cycles to wash that cat feces smell away from your silk satin sheets. We were not on speaking terms for a week.
A week after Salvador, I had to leave for a week of work in Sao Paulo. The Diplomat decided to join me for a weekend of exquisite Japanese food gorging; at least we did go to the Sao Paulo Museum of Art, otherwise it would have literally been a trip for the sole purpose of eating. After I came back, exhausted from travel, we welcomed a family of old friends and their kids. The following weekend, the Diplomat and Son joined them for a blitz weekend trip to Iguazu Falls, while I decided to rest home. And rest I did – I got up at 11 am, played with the plants on the balcony for an hour, then had a massage, a facial and a blow dry. After which I went to 1) a bachelorette’s party, 2) a birthday party, 3) took a friend for a drink on the rooftop of a super hot hotel for her birthday, and 4) re-joined the bachelorette’s party in a nearby club. I got home that night about 4 am. I felt absurdly cool about myself. I still do.

Life is more or less back to normal here. Grandma left, Son is back in school, the Diplomat and I are back from endless travels and Fat Cat is using the litter box for a change. This past weekend, we decided to be good parents for a change, and took Son to a goat farm about a couple of hours away from Rio, up in the mountains. I admit, the idea was not mine, but of a friend’s who is a much better parent than I am. So, armed with two kids, the Diplomat, my friend A and I took off for the goat farm on a balmy Saturday morning. We only got lost 2 times, and the kids did not stop yelling the entire time. The farm was called Fazenda Geneve, and had a fabulous outdoors restaurant, various smelly, delicious goat cheeses, a bunch of goats and a dirty, muddy artificial pond. After we sat down to a lovely Carmenere and several cheese creations, the two boys disappeared running about the farm, shrieking in delight. We yelled at them to make sure not to fall into the lake and proceeded to sample cheese. So naturally, 10 minutes later they fell into the lake.

Thankfully, it was shallow. On the other hand, it was still full of wet water and decomposing flora and fauna, all of it quite smelly. After some piercing screams from the sopping wet kids, there was nothing else to do but strip them down to their boxers and prostrate the wet clothes and shoes on the neighboring trees to dry. It was rather picturesque, if I may say so. The restaurant graciously lent us two large white tablecloths, which the kids happily donned like white capes and ran around the farm like two deranged mini ghosts. It was a visit no one will forget soon, including the farm owners.


In other work news, I actually finally got tenured. Yey me! We are also currently bidding for our next tour, an exercise of particularly cruel torture, equal to none in the world. More on that - next post. Hopefully with some news.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

The Epic July 4th week

Among the many fun things we do as U.S. diplomats overseas is host the annual Independence Day celebration for all the post’s local and foreign contacts. As far as I know, this is done by every single Embassy, consulate or whatever else diplomatic presence overseas we have (unless it isn’t, in which case I don’t know what I am talking about). Generally, each foreign mission abroad tends to celebrate their national day, whatever that might be and it is considered to be the mission’s main representational event for the year, where everyone goes all out and tries to throw a nice party to show just how cool their country is. One of my favorites ever remains Bangladesh’s Independence Day hosted in Beirut, which I attended while I was there on TDY, because they had all the awesome Bangladeshi food I was missing, all cooked by the Bangladeshi Navy cooks, whose ship was docked in Beirut that week.

In the U.S. missions, the super event is frequently organized and managed by a whole team of people, often lead by a hapless entry-level officer or two. In a fit of patriotism and misguided dreams of becoming an event-planner, this year I volunteered to spearhead and organize the July 4th celebration in Rio de Janeiro. This is one of those examples of the proverb that the road to hell is filled with good intentions.

Now, you should know that those events are never organized with taxpayer money. Relax, my dear U.S. taxpayer, why should it be so easy for us? Instead, all these events, all around the world, depend 100% on donations by U.S. companies overseas. We are always at the mercy of the generosity of corporate donations, Pete bless them! and the way this fun process works is like this: only direct hire Americans are permitted to solicit donations by our internal regulations. Thusly, depending on the size of the post, frequently the enviable task of cold-calling sponsors falls on the shoulders of the bright-eyed entry-level officers. You know, some people love fund raising. Some people, in fact, are excellent at it and even get a rush. Some people are born fundraisers and thrive on it. Some people are also tremendous figure-skater and lion-tamers. I am not one of either of those. I love party planning. No one told me, however, that I had to organize also the entire fund-raising amazingness. But it had to be done.

So, my very first task was to ask for valiant volunteers among my splendid colleagues and bless their hearts, they came through. In the meantime, another volunteer from the consulate decided to co-organize the party with me and we were also soon joined by the Diplomat who wanted to hone his management skills. With money in hand, the three of us began to search for a venue to hold over 500 people for virtually no money in Rio de Janeiro. Shockingly, we were not immediately successful until the Diplomat, in a fit of later-recognized genius, suggested we hold the shindig on the soccer field of the American School. Horrified, I objected strongly – I had visualized an elegant affair in black tie in one of Rio’s old palaces. Except that we could not afford them palaces. Soon, all Consulate leadership embraced the idea enthusiastically and so, grudgingly, I had to go with it. Luckily for the Diplomat, when the decision was made, I was still in Lebanon, otherwise I am afraid he would have suffered from my wrath. Once I came back and was ready to deal with him, he promptly disappeared on a TDY to India and left me and my other co-coordinator to deal with the planning.

Having a massive event at a soccer field far, far from the Consulate and the business downtown rather than in a smaller, contained space used to catering large events meant that we had to think of everything ourselves instead. Think of an outdoor wedding for 500, and you will get the idea. We also had to find a way to bus all of the employees there, find a band and procure food and drinks, all for very little money (well, as far as event planning in Rio goes, I suppose). In the end, we ended up with not one, not two but three bands (granted, the last one was comprised of folks form the Consulate and they made sure they played after all of the invited guests were gone), and incredibly generous catering provided for free by various donors. It was an affair to remember, if I may say so myself. After the party, our highly esteemed guests commented that it was possibly the best one ever organized by Consulate Rio. Well, why, thank you! And truth be told, despite the weeks of planning and frustrations, several nights of actual nightmares, a week of solid rain immediately preceding the day of the party and constant last minute changes, I loved doing it!

Loved it or not, I was most definitely July 4th-ed out and needed a break from work after it was all done. Son had left the week before with Grandma for his usual summer stint in Bulgaria, and with the Diplomat in India, I found myself going on a small vacation all by myself for the first time in my entire life. I knew I wanted a warm place (it is winter here and temperatures drop to 70 in Rio, brrrr!!), on the ocean, with a fabulous hotel with a pool and a spa, which was also easy and cheap to fly to and I had not been to before. Recife it is! I left on a grimy Friday, and giddily announced my little vacation on Facebook (oh, what, like you don’t do the same??) as I was waiting at the airport. Suddenly, I got a message from a friend on a TDY to Recife saying that we should get together once I get there, and by the way, Consulate Recife’s 4th of July party was on Saturday, would I be interested to go to it? It also did happen to be in the same hotel I was staying. I laughed so hard that my eyes teared. So, I got to celebrate our independence twice this year. I can tell you that being a guest at such an awesome party, however, is way more fun that being the organizer of it.

I have become one very irritated flyer lately. As I write this, I am on a plane on my way back from Recife and my neighbor is a young dude who apparently seems to think that this particular plane ride is the best place to watch the most recent Terminator movie. I agree, it is a boring 3-hour ride. I also agree that the Terminator is one heck of a great way to spend your time. What with all the loud explosions, chases, screaming and shootings and all kinds of Oscar-winning sound effects. What I disagree with is that one should watch said super loud movie without headphones. Dude, seriously!

This recent trend of watching loud crap on the plane, where a bunch of people are crammed particularly closely together in increasingly smaller and smaller spaces is simply driving me insane. On the way to Recife, across the aisle from me was sitting a family with a 5-year old who apparently could not possibly breathe without his iPad. That is fine as far as I am concerned - Son has also been known to enjoy extra computer time on long flights. The problem here was that the stupid contraption was set on the highest possible volume and the kid was playing a horribly inane game, learning the names of animals with loud voices and various obnoxious chimes. Neither his father nor mother seemed to think anything was wrong with this scenario. At takeoff, after we were asked to turn off electronic devices, dad tried to take it away from him. Holy crap, you’d think they were taking away life-sustaining care from him. His screams went on for about 20 mins as we were going up, and then the exhausted little menace fell asleep and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Sadly, shortly thereafter, the stewardess came to distribute drinks and he woke up. A minute later, and we were all back in the land of loud iPad infant gaming coupled with his delighted and unbridled screaming as he whacked his mom on the head with the iPad ever now and then. She appeared to think it was all adorable. Unable to sleep or read, I finally asked politely if they could lower the volume. Mom gave me a murderous look and told me she is trying (she wasn’t!). Then she did actually try and the kid gave such a blood-curdling scream that I picked up my stuff and moved at the very front of the plane. Which wasn’t particularly helpful since the portly lady behind me was happily watching some loud recording of a wedding party on her iPhone. Damn you, modern technology!!!


So, this is my plea for consideration – folks, please, PLEASE use headphones on the plane (and any other place where there are other people around you). THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU IN THIS WORLD!!!!! Shockingly, you are not the center of the universe. At least not the universe of your fellow passengers. Please, be considerate. Ugh.